I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
