He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
