I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
