is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
