Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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