I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
