I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
