DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
