Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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