Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize