On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
