I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
