I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
