There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
