i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
two words: eviction party
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
