sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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