i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
