Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
