By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
