I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
