My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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