Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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