I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
