so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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