The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize