At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
