I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
