So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
