he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
