Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
