I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
