The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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