Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Pooping to opera.
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