giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
