All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
