ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
