When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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