I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
