Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I need moral support for this bender
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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