How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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