Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
