She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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