shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
