Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize