First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
