Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This toilet bowl is my home.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize