My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
