Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
zippers are such a cool invention
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
