I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
