so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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