I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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