I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
