i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
