Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
