dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
