My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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