I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
