I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
