It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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