I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
