Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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